Missing or Lonely?

I find myself thinking more and more about my failed marriage and Joe lately. I can't figure out why. Am I missing him? I don't really think so. I think I miss more of what we used to have. I miss the good times, the great times. I think more I'm just really lonely. I don't have a bond with anyone here. Nothing and no one really great that I look forward to seeing every day. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I miss the bond and the companionship I had with Joe. And I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I am sort of missing any part of him, especially the way he treated me. I want someone who loves me. Someone I look forward to coming home to everyday, or waiting for him or her to come home to me. I hate this! I hate this so much!!!

Zombie Apocalypse

So with Halloween approaching, my favorite fun holiday, every channel on television is on the haunted band wagon as it were. (Well almost) Even the History Channel phased on. Tonight the channel had a zombie special called "Zombies: A Living History" all about the world falling into an Apocalypse, collapse of society. With the help of Authors of some really great books about Zombies, the show ended up very informative. So because of that, I have decided to turn this particular post into my list of things I need and need to do in case of such apocalypse! Its the frightened nerd in me!
Message from the CDC.




Zombie Apocalypse Checklist For Bugging in and Bugging Out:

• Weapons - Guns, blade weapons, blunt weapons 
• Bow and Arrows - Yes this actually deserves it's own bullet! Other than a bat its the weapon I'm best with!
• Ammo for said guns
• Gasoline
• Canned Food - Yes even spam...damn it
• Veggie and Fruit Seeds
• Water (lots of it)
• Filtered Water Bottle
• First aid kit - Bandages, Rubbing Alcohol, neosporin etc.
• Medicine
• Cash - Because seriously there might still be people who care about that kinda crap!
• Thick Plywood - For bugging in
• Barbwire - For bugging in
• Fencing - For bugging in
• Dog Food - Zoe has to eat if bugging in if not, well I'll share, can't leave my puppy behind, not that she'd let me.
• Feminine Products - I mean come on seriously, its going to be needed. 
• Batteries!

More to come as I think of it all!

Another wedding!!!!

It's terrible for me to be frustrated, but yes, my youngest cousin gets married tomorrow, and yes I have to be there. I don't have a choice. It is only right, I mean he came to my wedding. I loved my wedding. I really did. It went off without too many hitches, and it was almost everything I could have dreamed of. The only thing that in hindsight is bad, is that I married Joe. Blah! Boo! Don't get me wrong. I loved him with all of my heart, I really thought we were going to be a forever thing, but that was obviously not the case. There is only so much one can take of the suspicions, the name calling, the putting downs. Its almost over. We will be separated for one year on the 22nd and as soon as I can, I would like to be rid of him for good. Unfortunately, there are those memories. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of them. But then again, he and there are such a big part of my life that it is just not possible. It would be like just one big empty hole in my head and my heart. 
And this is something I am noticing. I have used this blog to speak mostly about my failed marriage and my asshole soon to be ex-husband. But then again, it is not like I get to talk about it to other people. Sometimes I think I need to speak to a therapist about it, but then again, it only really bothers me when there are these family functions going on and I am there alone. It makes me miss being married. Going to bed alone makes me miss being married. But I do not miss him!!!


Here is some bit of good news for me. My goddaughter Shaniya was born on Tuesday the 4th. She is beautiful. My poor K'Mari is so jealous. I don't blame her. It is a difficult process for a new baby to be brought into the house when you are only a year and half old and you have been the baby for so long. But even though they won't see it. Congratulations Shana! And Shaniya, K'Mari, Brayden, Godmommy Jenn loves you all very much!

On the look out

So its time for yet another wedding. My youngest cousin is getting married in less than two weeks, its semi-formal, and of course I have nothing to wear and no one to take with me. It really is annoying on several levels. I hate shopping and I hate going to these things alone. It sucks and depresses me. But this is a family thing, and I have to be there, dressed my best, and playing the supportive, almost divorced cousin. 












Go me!

Reminiscing about childhood...

So here is what I am wondering. At what point between the ages of 0 and 18 do we stop referring to ourselves as a child...of course this when we are older and speaking about passed events. I have no idea. But sometimes it feels good to do that. 
My childhood best friend moved back home and we are, once again, living in the same town for the first time in like seven years. She and another friend and I went to dinner on Wednesday then for coffee afterwards. It was so much fun. We caught up and spoke of past and the super past (when we were kids). Cleared up a few things, and talked about the future. I wonder how long it will last. I hope it lasts a good long while. 

...Wedding stuff...

So today, well officially yesterday, my cousin Daniel got married. No one thought it would ever happen, but hey, never say never. I love his wife, Joey. She is wonderful. She looked a-fucking-mazing in her wedding gown. I cried, my family cried, his family cried, her family cried, and he cried. At first, I would say my tears were out of happiness for the bride and groom, I mean come on! It was a fun wedding with some interruptions for me, a great party all the way around. But later I realized, each time the DJ called all the couples to the floor, that I was no longer in a couple relationship. It was just me...and it sucked. I fucking miss being married. I miss having that someone beside me for those things. Don't get me wrong, I do not miss Joe. No, I am glad to be rid of him, I just miss the fun perks of being in a committed relationship. So...I guess I would say that I am jealous. No. Not guess. I am jealous. EXTREMELY!!! I just..miss it. I miss almost everything about it.

And of course, today is the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks on 9/11, so now those tears are for my memories of that day, and the people who lost their lives. I will never forget!

To write today...I feel a little inspired.

My life, as it stands now, is not the way I had envisioned when I was a little girl. I had wanted to be happily married to a wonderful man who loved me, wanted to care for me, and allow me to stay at home and raise our children. None of that has happened. I am soon to be divorced from a man who treated me like crap. I have no children, and I am working for a place that can't pay me. With this last said, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I wish I could just write and write and write, but even that I have no muse for. It is sad. I love to write, I love seeing my ideas down on paper. But in my lifetime I have started to write four books and none of them have come full circle. To have a successful novel there should be an end and right now, there is none what-so-ever to any of them! And now, I can't even finish this because there is a storm over head and I am afraid to fry my computer. Oh what a world what a world...

Hello First Day of College

So yeah, first day back in school...sort of. Can you count internet courses as being in school? I am going to say yes. For one big reason only. I took one look at the syllabus and was instantly intimidated. But no matter what I am determined to make it to the end. I am determined to do well to at least find my place in this world. I do not know if it is in early childhood or if I am destined to be a hobo. Who knows? I surely don't. I mean, how sad is it that I am almost 30 years of age and I still don't know what the hell I want to do with myself.

And on a funnier note, I think it is time to get an inside lock for my door. My cousin walked in on me! Ha! I couldn't help but to roll over and giggle. It was kind of hilarious. I wonder what he is thinking now...good question. Oh to be a brain wave...

College?

So today I registered for college. I can't say that I am excited about it. Actually...I'm so freaking scared about it that I am afraid I am going to fuck it up. Its only one class, EDU 119 which is my credential classes for the daycare, and it is online which could be my downfall. I want to succeed at this, for once I don't want to fuck anything up. I am begging for strength, pleading to my goddess for it. I need to show everyone, including myself, that I can do this without struggle. Of course I need to decide what I am going to do for the rest of my life. Am I going to stay in the daycare and make absolutely no money? Am I going to be able to find something to do that I am going to enjoy? Goddess Help Me!!!

Trapped always in my mind: Jenn's Miracle Preemie Hat

Trapped always in my mind: Jenn's Miracle Preemie Hat: "So I wrote my first pattern today. I call it the Miracle Preemie Hat. All babies are miracles, especially a premature baby. So here it is:..."

Jenn's Miracle Preemie Hat

So I wrote my first pattern today. I call it the Miracle Preemie Hat. All babies are miracles, especially a premature baby.

So here it is:





Yarn: Sirdar Snuggly Smiley Stripes (or any baby yarn. Not fingering weight)
Needles: US 4

Baby Abigail Rene'e Crabtree. One month of age. 

To begin

• Cast On 54 stitches
• Work ribbing in k1p1 for 16 rows

Change to Stockinette Stitch

• Row 1 - knit
• Row 2 - purl
• Row 3 - knit
• Row 4 - purl
• Row 5 - 11 - knit
• Row 12 - purl
• Row 13 - knit
• Row 14 - purl
• Row 15 - 21 - knit
• Row 22 - purl
• Row 23 - knit
• Row 24 - purl

Start Decrease - Repeat from *

• Row 1 - *k3 k2tog
• Row 2 - *p2 p2tog
• Row 3 - *k1 k2tog
• Row 4 - *k2tog

Cut long tail from skein and thread through the remaining stitches and pull tight. 

Sew up seam on wrong side.

Turn right side out and voila! All done with a cute stripped and textured hat! 

Add bows, ribbons, and/or pompoms if you like. (I didn't. I figure a preemie will have others things to worry about instead of messing up their pompom...)

Well have fun. It doesn't take long to do, and its totally cute! 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all that may or may not read my blog. I wish I could say it for myself. That's the hardest part of today. I've been kind of emotional today....been trying not to cry...damn it. Its so bad that I can't even think of what to say. So that concludes my mini rant...

Another day..where is my dollar?!

Yes another day has passed. I am living for the weekends, though I have nothing to do on them. I really need more Pure Romance clients. I need more parties. I told my pr sponsor that I want to grow up to be just like her. She was parties every freaking day!  I want that! I want to make some damn money! Every little bit of money I have made in my two parties...well I put back into my business. One of these days I'm going to do well...I hope I hope I hope!
I do have two parties next month, and one in...CHARLOTTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, it will be a short visit. I have opening day ceremonies that morning, I have to travel up to Charlotte when I get done, then the party, and then back to Fayetteville by 1pm the next day for K'Mari's birthday party! I will be there! I will!

A downer kind of life...

I know I have been lacking in writing here. It is utterly my fault, though I have the will to write, I just can't seem to get all my thoughts down and so they still plague me! I hate it!!!!!
Last weekend was spent in Charlotte, and it was the most fun I have had in a very long time. I miss my friends terribly. I miss feeling like I fit in somewhere. I miss having things to do after work and people to talk too. Here...I have a couple friends that I see every now and then, and co-workers that I am not friends with. Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't like them, its just that we are not friends. We have nothing in common. There is a big age difference and a different life style. All my friends, save for one, in Charlotte, are all married. We like the same things, have common interests. But here...its just me. Me and my thoughts. And when I do become trapped in my own mind it is not usually a good thing. I become very lost, and depressed. And can I say how much I hate my husband for doing this too me. Just when I was getting used to being in Charlotte, comfortable in my surroundings, he moves me into a house that I didn't want, far away from EVERYTHING, and then gives up on our marriage. Fucker.
(This is what happens. I start to rant and it only makes me angrier, sadder...and a list of other emotions.)
Part of me wants to return to Charlotte, to stay. Of course I have no job and no place to live so that is out of the question. I'm stuck here. Trapped in more ways then one. Waiting for my life to start over and be good and make me happy...when will that happen?

Back in Charlotte

It feels so totally normal to be here. Last night a couple friends of mine came to the hotel, we piled into the car and drove down 51 to 485 to WT Harris and went to Red Robin for a late dinner. It was so comfortable, so...whats the word I'm looking for...normal maybe...I don't know. Anyway, I enjoyed the hell out of it. Being in Charlotte, is what I know..now. Being in Fayetteville...I don't know. I guess I haven't gotten into the swing of things. Its like: Go to work, come home, go to bed, go to work, come home, maybe go out, come home, go to bed...so on so forth. I hate living ins Charlotte, but I miss my friends and the life I had here...


On the upside, I'm so excited for dinner with all those said friends tonight!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a break...

I really do need one. I have not spoken here in a while, and I have been needing too for a while, unfortunately I do not have the time to post all I want. 
So here is the gist. I have been sick almost every week since I have been home. Not really surprising since I work with children, but I'm really sick of it. Of course because I've been sick, I've been (or was) drinking orange juice like its going out of style, and with that, the acid built up in my body and turned to gout! yay....OMFG that hurt like a son-of-a-bitch!!!!!!!!! I had to struggle to not cuss out the x-ray tech! It was difficult! But I got steroids and now its almost all better. I even saved a couple just in case. And almost as soon as I get over that, I loose my fucking phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dropped it and I'm sure someone picked it up and is enjoying my awesomely cool phone!! I miss my phone. I miss all my contacts. 


On to different subjects........


I got to spend the day with my goddaughter. Shana brought her too me and let me care for her for a few hours so she could go to work and do somethings. I had a blast with her. But being with her made me want to have a baby even more than I already do!!!! Its not fair. Six years with Joe and not so much as a scare. I am wishing I was as fertile as Shana. On her third child already. (That I am godmother of! yay!) Of course life is pretty much going her way. She is doing so well for herself. I am so proud and so jealous of her. But she knows that I love her dearly!
Okay so I'm falling asleep, so I think it is time to stop. I will be in Charlotte to visit my friends. I'm so excited!!! But for now, sleep is calling me!

A really good day...and in a really jealous mood...

Today, though I found out some news that was not so excellent, was a really great day. Work went well. Dinner with the friends went well. (I finally met Erin. She is not what I expected.) Came home and ordered like $500 worth of stuff from Pure Romance! Its been a good day.
Now, to the new that was not so excellent...
Shana is pregnant...again. This is baby number three. Though I wonder if she will make me godmother of this child as well, since I am godmother to the other two, I am extremely jealous. I was married and I have no children, and here she is, bless her heart, a good job, no husband, a man that is not for her (he treats her badly), and she is on her third child. Two by him. I am so jealous of her that I can't see straight. However, I feel awful for her. She does not seem happy about it. I just...grrr...I don't know how to describe how I am feeling about it. I wish it were me who is pregnant and getting ready to bring in a bundle of joy into this world...but obviously...no...

Missed a day, but what a day..its a good thing kind of day!

So I spent most of yesterday at my grandmother's house and at the storage facility. A big upside, I sold almost all of my belongings. Down side, I sold all of my belongings. It was difficult. Its hard seeing all my stuff crammed into the storage building then selling it to strangers. But at least it is gone and I don't have to pay for storage anymore. Yay! But I will miss a few of my things. Not my table though. I didn't want it in the first place. I did not get as near as much money as I wanted for it, but I don't have to pay for storage anymore so that is always good. The less money I have to pay to people the better for me. 
So my gout flare up has almost subsided. The pain is very minute, that I can barely tell it is there. I mean, right now, I can feel it because I've been on my feet all day, but, at least it isn't as bad as Thursday. I'm not crying anymore so that is always a good thing!
All this change in the weather is messing with my sinuses. But there is a storm coming through sometime soon, so I really need to get off my but and go do laundry. But I'm feeling lazy and tired. I really just want to go to bed, but I can't. I have Tamera stopping by sometime tonight to finish up her party. Or tomorrow...I don't know which...but as long as I get my sale in...yay! It was still a really fun party! I had a blast. I like small parties. 
I am glad my business is taking off, I was starting to worry...

End of the day once again.

Well like the title says, it is the end of the day, and it has been a good day. A day I have enjoyed throughly! My party this afternoon went great. Only a few hundred dollars in sales, but got three party bookings! Looks like my Pure Romance business is starting to take off! I am real excited about it! I may even have my first daughter. She is the next to have a party so far on my calendar! I am uber excited. There isn't a whole lot of money rolling in, but I am hoping that changes soon. I hope I get so many clients that my calendar is always full! 

Is wondering what today will bring...

So turns out the hurt toe...yeah...its gout. I'm not happy about it, though the doctor told me it was a very mild case. I could have kicked him with my good foot. Thursday was spent in tears for a good part of the day just because the pain was so bad. But now he has me on Steroids and it is helping the pain alot. I can almost walk normally. Which is good. Having a shoe on is painful, but I am going to have to put up with it. I have a Pure Romance gig today, so I have to show up in shoes. Blah.
But I am so excited for my party this afternoon! I really should be getting ready for it instead of blogging about it, but I had to post!!! I really want my business to take off...I wish others who promised to have a party would book one. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a few of Tamera's guests book a party.... Here's hoping.

End of the day and wayyyy past my bed time....

I bet you have no idea how much I hate saying that. I am a night person. I could normally stay up for hours, but because I have to be at work soooooo early, I am super tired right now. I even fell asleep while watching tv with mom. Oh well...what can you do?
Its the end of another day in my life, past my bedtime, and the only thing I have to curl up with is my teddy bear. Yes I have a teddy bear. He is the most constant man I have in my life. But if I didn't have him to cuddle with, a pillow would be there, so don't think I'm weird. I just got used to cuddling with something.
Well time for bed. Goodnight.

Life as today brings it

So today was a good day, though I didn't get off on time today, but then again...I almost never do. Best part about today though, the little 8 month old that isn't my Mari, didn't want to go back to him mommy after coming to me. So I walked up to the mother and the baby and he reached for me. The mom and I were talking about something, I think his shoes and socks because he never likes to keep them on, and after a while, she reached out for him. He grinned at her, shook his head and lain his head down on my shoulder. We laughed, it was cute. So a few minutes later, she reached for him again. And again the same thing. SO FREAKING CUTE!!! The final time, he actually waved bye bye to his mommy! For the first time since I have met this child, I actually wanted to take him home!
Once he left, so did I and went to dinner with my Fayetteville girls. Had a good time. I enjoy our dinner dates. We even went to the mall afterwards to have something else to do...that was free. The mall has changed alot.


On a random note...my toe hurts and I don't know why...

Getting Excited

My cousin and I have plans to go up to Charlotte around the 11th of next month. I am so excited to be seeing all my friends. I miss them very much. I am kind of surprised that I miss it there, though I think it is just the people I care about that I miss so much. I miss going to my knitting group every Tuesday and hanging out with Jessie afterwards. I miss knowing that I am going to have a girls night at least once every week. I miss knowing that when I went to that godawful job on Saturday's and Sunday's that I would be spending half the day on the phone with Jill. I just miss it. 
Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be rid of the job that I had, and I love the one I have now, but it isn't like me and my co-workers are friends. Brandon I have known forever so he is more like my little brother. Jessica and Tamera, well I talk to them, and think of them as nice people, we are acquaintances, not friends. Oh well. It isn't a great big deal, but it is the truth. 
I am glad I rekindled friendships with the ones I have lost touch with. Vanessa, Leslie, Anita. I miss Shana though. She is always so busy. She is always working. It sucks.We were always so close, though we don't have a thing in common. She  made me godmother of her two children. I love those kids, K'Mari especially. That is my little princess, and the closest I'm going to get to a daughter....

Day two and just looking to get some thoughts out

Exactly what it says in the title. It is day two of my blog and I just have so many things floating around in my head, and my brain feels a little heavy. So excuse me if this post feels like I am babbling. It happens.

I'm watching all these bridal shows today. Say yes to the dress, Bridezilla, Father of the Bride. As much as I love these shows and movie, it makes me think of my wedding. I loved my wedding, it was my dream. But my marriage didn't last, and that pisses me off. I used my dream wedding on a man I no longer love. I still remember it, all of it. It was a fabulous week and a half, but after it...after it was the downfall. He got fired! He got fired the day after we came back from our honeymoon!!!! What kind of shit is that?! I think I should have known then it wasn't going to last, but I didn't. I was faithful. I was hopeful. I was optimistic. I wanted everything to be perfect...and it wasn't. It was far from. And now, I have waisted my dream wedding and I can't ever have another one like it, and that pisses me off so freaking much!!!
Okay, that little rant is over...

So my cousin, Dave, and I are heading to Charlotte next month to spend the weekend. I am so excited about it. It is our good friend's birthday. Matt. He actually stood up for Joe at our wedding, but since he was my friend first, and he wants nothing to do with my soon to be ex-husband, he and I have decided to remain friends. Well his birthday is on the 15th, and since he is heading to Tenn. the weekend after, we are going up the weekend before to celebrate with him. I have told all my friends, so we are making plans to go to Osaka and have some yummy sushi, and great laughs! I am so excited about it!!! I'm even going to bring Vanessa. She needs a weekend out of Fayetteville.

I spent last night with Mom. We watched movies, ate pizza, and had a good time. Sine we are working, we don't get to spend much time together. Especially since I have to be at work at 6:30am, I am up early, so I go to bed early. I am still not a morning person, but I love my job, so I put up with getting up while it is still dark outside and working late. And Mom, well she works late a few nights a week, and goes to a restaurant  on Wednesdays to have dinner with her friends. So generally when she is getting home, I am winding down from the day and getting ready to go to bed. Or I am at my grandparents' for dinner and conversation. It just happens that way. So we really don't get to spend a whole lot of time together. We had a few laughs last night. I teased her when she started falling asleep while sitting in her broken office chair. She played on her computer and I knitted. It was a good night. I tried to hang with her and stay up too late, but I couldn't do it. By 2am I was exhausted. I went to bed and passed out!

I am thinking today will be spent going through more boxes. I really need too. I need to find all my stuff. Everything is spread everywhere. I need to go to my storage building and get rid of the crap in there. Anyone want a kitchen table or a couch?

First post...so much to say

I am so glad that I decided to start this blog. I really need a way to get my thoughts out, and sometimes, I just can not sit down and write it out on a piece of paper. However, I just do not know where to start.
I guess normally people start with a little bit about them...I figure, this is for me, I know enough about me that I do not really care to write about it.
I am deciding that it is probably a good idea to talk about my separation. Yes, I have been married for two years, and just this past October my husband decided to talk to a lawyer about separating, and moved out. Me, I was totally fine with it, and still am. But there are things I miss a lot. Not about him, I don't think, but things like waking up next to someone. Getting a hug and being held when I wanted one....mostly, I miss the companionship of having a partner. Does that make sense? It does in my head. But then again, many things make more sense in my head than it does down on paper, or in this case, in a blog. But there are other things that frighten me far more than my divorce. In all honesty, though there are things I miss, I am glad it is almost over, I am glad to be rid of him and his drama, and I refuse to let it get me down and out and effect my life anymore!
When we got married, I lived just outside of Charlotte, and lived there for many years...eight years in fact. I have really good friends there that I miss like crazy. I don't miss the job I had, but the people I know and love very much, I miss and I hate that I don't get to see them everyday like I used too. I moved back home just before Christmas and rekindled a long lost friendship. We talk almost everyday and see each other often. We had dinner with two other friends I lost track with when I moved. I cried when I saw them both. I am afraid that I might cry when I see my friends in Charlotte next month. I can not wait to see them!
But with all that said, I am having a hard time adjusting to being back in Fayetteville. I am having a hard time being in the house with my mom again. Its not that I am not happy about it, but you know...after so many years of living on my own, and now, here I am, almost thirty, and I am living with my mother again...

Oh well. Time to make the best of things...