Just checking in

Yes, I know. I am the worst blogger ever, but for this particular one, its just really for my own thoughts. This will be short...probably. But hey, knowing me, I tend to ramble on and on until I find it is time to just....stop...

Since I Last Posted:

     I am officially divorced! I am super excited about that! I am rid of the asshole that is my now ex-husband. It is wonderful to not have to worry about being tied to him anymore. But then I think about the good times or I end up having a dream about him, and it pisses me off. I was so in love with him. Sometimes I wish that little bubble hadn't been popped. I can't help but miss him. He was a huge part of my life. He was my husband. I hate that I miss him sometimes. And then I think about the bad stuff. I think about the way he treated me. I think about the way he treated my family. And I think about the end of things, and I am sooooo glad that we are done.

     I have been on a date recently, with another (not with the same guy) on Saturday around one. I like the first guy a lot. A couple things I would change about him, one is probably impossible to change, or at least, very expensive to change. But he is a super nice guy and we talk almost every day. It is kind of nice, even though he is separated from his wife and not looking for anything serious.
     The other guy, I don't know. He seems a little more settled. But we will see. It is just a coffee date on Saturday.
   

Yeah need to vent.

So I know I am not being the best blogger in the world, but since this blog is mostly for me, myself, and I, I don't really need to keep up with it as much as I try to keep up with the crafty one. Though, yeah, I don't really keep up with that either. What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever stick with anything? Why can't I ever accomplish things that I start so gun-ho about, and then just fizzle. Like the gym, and dieting. I know I need to loose the weight. I know I do. I tell myself that almost daily, but I can't seem to get it through my head that I do. I want to eat the fattening foods and enjoy it, but I don't want to die early. I want to remarry and have babies, and do all the stuff that women my age are supposed to do. I want sex! I haven't had sex in over six months! Not cool! I miss sex! I love sex! Seriously, the toys aren't cutting it. I know I am rambling and the paragraph is kind of running together, but I don't really care. I don't want to take the time to correct myself. I don't have anyone else to talk to about all of this. My best friend is a prude and won't want to hear about my problems when it comes to certain matters like sex and the like. I can't remember what I said earlier today but she stopped me before I could even make a point And she is so close minded that sometimes it hard for me to tolerate her. I can't help it. It makes me angry. Why do I always have to pander to her all the time? Why can't it be my way? Yeah, I know that it is her upbringing in the church and all of that, but seriously! It is difficult to not curse every now and then, or shake her and say things like "OH MY GODS! You are almost thirty years old! It is time to come out of your little bubble! Become a nun if you want to live that way!" Ok I don't know if they have nuns in the Mormon religion. I don't know much about it period. It is a weird religion. She can't have caffeine but she can drink coke. She can't have tea, but she can drink Mountain Dew which has twice as much caffeine! Its such a backwards religion. I know it is what she believes in and I can't fault her for that. She loves her life that way, but ahhhh! I don't know what to do. I don't know. I think I am just starting to freak out and every thing is coming to the forefront of my mind. My mom's surgery is in just over a month. The closer it gets the more scared I become. I am trying to hide it, but I can't help it. She's my mommy. She is the only parent I have. I can't loose her. I'm not ready to be an orphan yet. I still need her. I don't know what I will do if something goes wrong in July. I just don't know. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I know that if anyone reads this they would think I am crazy and probably need medication. Please know that I am running off of four hours of sleep and I am overly tired. And I'm scared. I can't help it. I probably do need some anti-anxiety pills or something like that. I am sure I need to go back on my St. John's Wort. I don't know why I don't get it and stay on it. And here we go, we have come full circle and are back to the "I can't stick with anything" bit of my rant. I am going to try and force myself. I don't know if I can, but I need to do something. I want to finish one of my books. I want to be published. I want to continue at the gym and get on a regular regiment. I want to get healthy. I want to be a mom. I am so tired of going to baby showers for women that I know that are so much younger than me. I know that it sounds mean and selfish, and maybe it is. I just.....I'm so fucking jealous! Everyone else seems to have everything that I want. I know that sounds stupid, but right now that is how I feel. So now my head hurts, and I am crying, but now I feel a little better. Oh yeah and I would really fucking love a job in my field! I am a phlebotomist! I am a damn good one! I worked so hard to get my straight A's in my classes. I worked even harder to get the second highest grade on the NHA Certification Exam! I want a job! Ok. Now I'm done. I feel better. My crying has slowed to a few tears rolling down my cheek. I am going to bed now. I am getting up in the morning. I will eat breakfast. I will put mom's socks on. I will help her get ready for work. And I will go to the gym and workout for an hour at least. I am going to do this. I am going to. I need to. I am going to do what I need to do for me.

Time To Do Some Catching Up

So it it has been a while since I have written anything, and I probably should...not that anyone but me reads this. I do not have a whole lot of time tonight, so I will just leave a few words about each.

Weight loss:
 I am struggling with the big D word. Dieting! Ahhhhhhh Dieting! Just that word makes me want to throw up a little and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I know. Horrible image, but hey...sometimes it just has to be done. And unfortunately, so does dieting for a woman my size. I need to do something. I am afraid of ending up like my mom, so I must make the effort. So, I haven't really gotten the hang of the dieting part, but I will, because I have too. But in the mean time, I have joined a gym. Yay me! I have gone to zumba for three days and will be going again on Friday. (It is only three days a week.) Zumba is so much fun, though I have found out that I dance like a white girl. (Yes I know, I am white....but still...what happened to my rhythm? I swear I used to have some...) Next class I plan to try is Cycle I think. I can't wait to meet with a personal trainer to set up a routine in between my class days. Let's hope I have the will power to keep with it.
I hurt my knee today doing Zumba. Too much knee work and bending. I think I have been pushing myself too hard, and I have to remember that I am fat, and my knees are bad thanks to that and being a catcher as a kid. One day the weight will come off.

Job:
Still have none. Most of the hospitals are under a hiring freeze, so now I am looking for anything that will pay. Had a job interview today, so lets hope that it went well. Its not really a job I think I will enjoy, but I am getting desperate. So a job a....Dreaded Telemarketer! (Insert evil dramatic music here and a crash of lightening here.) I know...I'm dramatic, or as my friend says, I'm extra. Can't help it. Life is more interesting that way.

So that is all I have time for right now...I have written more than I had intended to. Goodnight world!

A Fun Cup

So I have been sick since Sunday...and its not a cold. Its further south than that, but that is not the point of today's post. I have not been able to eat much in the past few days and today is the first day that I am trying to eat a little more than 500 calories. It doesn't seem to be working out too well. However, I am able to hold down more water than I have been. I am not sure if it is because I am feeling better or if it is all because of my new cup!
A few days ago...erm...sometime last week, I bought me a cool Tervis cup! Its a "Salt Life" cup, orange, with a sea turtle on it. The only way it could be more perfect for me is if it were green. I think it may be what is making me drink more water. So everyone, you want to know the secret to drinking more water? Drink it out of a cool cup! Not only is it fun, but it is helping save the environment!

Tonight..it burns...

Ok so not really. More like my mind, it bothers. It plagues... I have never felt as alone as I feel today and I know why. Though I got to talk to the man I want to be with and my family, my best friend told me that she is ok with dying in herself and that is why she won't use her C-Pap machine. How fucked up is it? She is ok with passively committing suicide! But I'm not ok with it and trying to talk to her about was pissing her off. I have no one to talk to about it, or no one here to pat my back or something to say "It's going to be ok." I kinda want to rip my hair out. She and I have been best friends since we were 6 and 7 years old, so for her to say something like that was a shocking blow to my reality.


I don't know if I can talk about it anymore.










I need a drink...

Official

It is official! I will be starting a huge diet come the first week of March. I wanted to wait until after the craft show which is next weekend. That way I can try and get almost all of the junk food out of the house and well David is going out of town next week. I need him to use the gym facilities. So it is just logical to wait until then. Mom has this huge crash diet that she has to do three weeks before her surgery. I may take some pointers from that. I am also going to try and follow some of Bob Harper's rules. He is one of the trainers from The Biggest Looser. I think it might help out a lot. I'm so scared though. As much as I want to do it, I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. But I have to try and put that out of my head. I am going to do this. I want to get fifty pounds off before the summer time. That shouldn't be too hard. But it is my goal.

I can do this! I know I can! I will do it!!!

Life altering changes

A lot has been on my mind lately, especially with my mom's surgery coming up hopefully soon. Mostly, I have been thinking about my weight. I want to loose it, I do. I just hate the thought of giving up my food. I can't help it. I know its an addiction. My addiction to caffeine, to sugar, to food in general. So I have been contemplating the idea of going on a very strict diet and joining David at his gym everyday. Since I don't have a job, this is the time to do it. However, I don't want to start until March. Only because I want to get as many things done for the craft show. I want to have many things to sell. I am trying to not get too distracted. Unfortunately, blogging about my life is distracting me. I can't help that either. Not right now. I need to get this off my chest. I haven't told anyone else about my decision other than telling David that I may start joining him at the gym. I don't know what to do, but I thing I am going to do it. If I can get fifty pounds off then I will be under three hundred! I really want to get back down. I want to marry again and have a family. I think I can do it finally. I think if I really put my mind to it, I can do it. I think if I can get some support from my friends and family, I believe I can do this. I'll get rid of all the crap in my house, no more soda, no more candy, no chips, no fast food (with a few exceptions) and I can loose the weight.
It makes me wonder about Matt. I do miss seeing him very much, and talking to him even more. I wonder what he would think of my decision to loose weight. I would hope he would support me in this decision if I ever get around to telling him. Right now, all we talk about is how much we miss each other, and that is only because we have seen each other once, made out once, and are now reduced to sending messages back and forth on POF.com. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by seeing him, but it feels right, and it isn't as if we are getting married tomorrow. I am sure he would like that, but I physically can't. I am not even divorced from that asshole yet. I need to get that done too. Oh money, why must you be so scarce?