Yeah need to vent.

So I know I am not being the best blogger in the world, but since this blog is mostly for me, myself, and I, I don't really need to keep up with it as much as I try to keep up with the crafty one. Though, yeah, I don't really keep up with that either. What's wrong with me? Why can't I ever stick with anything? Why can't I ever accomplish things that I start so gun-ho about, and then just fizzle. Like the gym, and dieting. I know I need to loose the weight. I know I do. I tell myself that almost daily, but I can't seem to get it through my head that I do. I want to eat the fattening foods and enjoy it, but I don't want to die early. I want to remarry and have babies, and do all the stuff that women my age are supposed to do. I want sex! I haven't had sex in over six months! Not cool! I miss sex! I love sex! Seriously, the toys aren't cutting it. I know I am rambling and the paragraph is kind of running together, but I don't really care. I don't want to take the time to correct myself. I don't have anyone else to talk to about all of this. My best friend is a prude and won't want to hear about my problems when it comes to certain matters like sex and the like. I can't remember what I said earlier today but she stopped me before I could even make a point And she is so close minded that sometimes it hard for me to tolerate her. I can't help it. It makes me angry. Why do I always have to pander to her all the time? Why can't it be my way? Yeah, I know that it is her upbringing in the church and all of that, but seriously! It is difficult to not curse every now and then, or shake her and say things like "OH MY GODS! You are almost thirty years old! It is time to come out of your little bubble! Become a nun if you want to live that way!" Ok I don't know if they have nuns in the Mormon religion. I don't know much about it period. It is a weird religion. She can't have caffeine but she can drink coke. She can't have tea, but she can drink Mountain Dew which has twice as much caffeine! Its such a backwards religion. I know it is what she believes in and I can't fault her for that. She loves her life that way, but ahhhh! I don't know what to do. I don't know. I think I am just starting to freak out and every thing is coming to the forefront of my mind. My mom's surgery is in just over a month. The closer it gets the more scared I become. I am trying to hide it, but I can't help it. She's my mommy. She is the only parent I have. I can't loose her. I'm not ready to be an orphan yet. I still need her. I don't know what I will do if something goes wrong in July. I just don't know. I shouldn't be thinking like this. I know that if anyone reads this they would think I am crazy and probably need medication. Please know that I am running off of four hours of sleep and I am overly tired. And I'm scared. I can't help it. I probably do need some anti-anxiety pills or something like that. I am sure I need to go back on my St. John's Wort. I don't know why I don't get it and stay on it. And here we go, we have come full circle and are back to the "I can't stick with anything" bit of my rant. I am going to try and force myself. I don't know if I can, but I need to do something. I want to finish one of my books. I want to be published. I want to continue at the gym and get on a regular regiment. I want to get healthy. I want to be a mom. I am so tired of going to baby showers for women that I know that are so much younger than me. I know that it sounds mean and selfish, and maybe it is. I just.....I'm so fucking jealous! Everyone else seems to have everything that I want. I know that sounds stupid, but right now that is how I feel. So now my head hurts, and I am crying, but now I feel a little better. Oh yeah and I would really fucking love a job in my field! I am a phlebotomist! I am a damn good one! I worked so hard to get my straight A's in my classes. I worked even harder to get the second highest grade on the NHA Certification Exam! I want a job! Ok. Now I'm done. I feel better. My crying has slowed to a few tears rolling down my cheek. I am going to bed now. I am getting up in the morning. I will eat breakfast. I will put mom's socks on. I will help her get ready for work. And I will go to the gym and workout for an hour at least. I am going to do this. I am going to. I need to. I am going to do what I need to do for me.